The Blues
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Songfic. Why does Raph wander?


_I dedicate this to my Metallica loving brother-in-law. Turning out kind of weird. I think Raph can get deep and existential too. I guess. Even if he doesn't, it was fun._

_Song is "Wherever I May Roam" by Metallica._

Why was the sky blue, Raphael Hamato thought as he looked out slats in the boarded up window at the bright noon sky. He hated blue. It was the color of the sky and the water. A weak color. And it was everywhere. Thin, like it was trying to be some other color, but couldn't quite manage it.

He'd gone to April's apartment first. He'd tried to be interested in her classes and her late electric bill. He didn't want her to get a shut off notice and knew that she was hinting around at borrowing money, but he didn't have any. He'd offered to find somebody to beat up for her, but she told him that it wouldn't help if he pummeled the meter reader.

"That fucking electric company," he'd yelled. "They don't know when to leave you alone. Always prying. You have rights. Rights to live in the dark if you want."

Then she told him to go away if he was going to complain about Leo again and to get a girlfriend who liked whiny ninjas.

He didn't need a girlfriend. He had the whole city.

**And the road becomes my bride****  
****I have stripped of all but pride****  
****So in her I do confide****  
****And she keeps me satisfied****  
****Gives me all I need****  
**

For a ninja with the whole city as his plaything, he spent a lot of time sitting on rooftops listening to his brothers bitch at him over the phone.

Don had said, "You can come home now. He replaced it."

"He fixed it! It's mine! Tell him to put it back!"

His brother sighed into the phone, making a roaring sound in the receiver. "You cannot be serious. You're acting like a four year old. And so is he."

At least he had company. He hung up on Don abruptly and waited for him to call back. He knew that he would. He answered the phone after four rings. He was holding it in his hand, but didn't want to look like he was just sitting there waiting for it to ring.

******And with dust in throat I crave****  
****Only knowledge will I save****  
****To the game you stay a slave**

Raph wandered the rooftops, watching the alleys and spying on people through their open windows. He didn't pay attention to the direction he went. He enjoyed the journey more than the destination. He would stay clear of the river. Maybe go downtown and watch rich people wasting their money. He was too content to seek out a fight. He was sure he could find one if he wanted one later.

He hid behind a sign for Azure Jewelers and watched a trophy wife explain to her husband how she had just spent $2000 of his money on a diamond studded collar for her dog. She should keep him as a pet, he thought, smiling to himself.

All these people had homes and families and he was momentarily overwhelmed by the vastness of the human world. He wondered how many of these people saw each other on a regular basis and didn't realize it. Maybe had seen some of these people before any didn't remember. The probability of it was very great. All these people were so close and yet their lives were so far apart.

Then he realized that he crouched behind a sign on a busy street and that his head was lolling to the side. He hurried away to find a place to sleep.

**Rover, wanderer****  
****Nomad, vagabond****  
****Call me what you will****  
**

Earlier in the afternoon Raph had been sitting on his bed, reading "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and skipping ahead to the zombie attacks. Then his light bulb had burned out. He was about to get up and fetch a new bulb when the door opened without a knock. Leo said, "Why are you sitting here in the dark? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Then why are you sitting in the dark?" He opened the door wide to let in more light.

Raph tried to go back to his book, but the ruse failed because it was too dark to see the page.

"Tell me if something's wrong."

"The bulb just burned out."

Leo crossed his arms and said, "I don't want to interrupt your brooding in the dark like a vampire, but I wanted to tell you to wash the dishes."

"Why don't you change the bulb?" Raph said, in as polite a voice as he could muster.

Leo hesitated a second. "It's your bulb in your room."

"You're standing next to it and if seeing me sitting in the dark bothers you so much… I'm fine. I enjoy it. Creature of darkness and all."

**But I'll take my time anywhere****  
****Free to speak my mind anywhere****  
****And I'll redefine anywhere**

That light bulb had better be back in the ceiling when he got home. And he would take the bulb out of Leo's room and let him fumble around in the dark. Actually, he knew better than to think Leo would fumble in the dark. He was a skilled ninja, but the image gave him a vain ego boost.

There was an abandoned house nearby. It was used by homeless drug addicts and Raph had stashed a mattress and supplies in the attic. He had barricaded the door from the inside and came and went through the top window. He didn't enjoy sleeping in this place, but he considered it safe. Very disturbing noises came from downstairs at night. Luckily, he was hard enough to sleep through anything. He'd heard every noise imaginable.

He heard voices from below and turned on his small radio, put on his earphones and listened to a jazz channel on the radio. A man sang the blues about his woman leaving him. If she was that much trouble, then good riddance, Raph thought.

**Anywhere I roam****  
****Where I lay my head is home****  
**

But then he was trapped upstairs all day, looking out at the overly bright autumn sky and wondering if the crack heads downstairs were dead. Spent his time listening to whatever happened to be on the radio. Indigo Girls. Didn't care for them much. Did his katas all day long. Didn't eat. It didn't matter. He didn't need food, strictly speaking. Heard the muffled voice of one of the girls asking her man or boyfriend or sex partner or whatever he was for more money.

Felt a little nauseous and wanted to leave. Sometimes he wished he was still ignorant of the world.

**And the earth becomes my throne****  
****I adapt to the unknown****  
****Under wandering stars I've grown****  
****By myself but not alone****  
****I ask no one****  
**

The next night he needed a fight. There was no end of crime in the city. He spotted some gang members. Wearing blue and white. Probably MS-13. Needed all of their asses kicked. He knew they had guns. He wouldn't attack them for no reason, but he knew it wouldn't be long until they gave him one.

**And my ties are severed clean****  
****Less I have the more I gain****  
****Off the beaten path I reign****  
**

Three were unconscious and one was dying at his feet. He knelt down and watched the kid as he bled from the hole where he'd shoved his sai through his stomach. The guy was probably his own age. Raph said, "Why are you so scared? You didn't sign up to live long, did you?" The guy had tried to shoot him just on sight. He hadn't even attacked him. Just tried to shoot him for being green, he supposed. It happened a lot. "Shouldn't shoot at people. It's wrong. I wouldn't have killed you otherwise. But you were trying to kill me." The kid died.

He searched his pockets. Nothing but drugs. Useless. No money.

Took a brief tour of the other guys who were lying in a halo around him. They would have some pretty black and blue souvenirs in the morning.

**Rover, wanderer****  
****Nomad, vagabond****  
****Call me what you will****  
**

Raph traveled several more miles with no clear thoughts or plans. He liked to move. Unfortunately, the adrenalin was wearing off and an ache in his shoulder presented itself. So did the hunger it had disguised. Maybe he could stop by home for a while. Pick up something to eat. First, he had to figure out where he was. He forced the happy fog out of his mind and looked at the street signs, calculating the nearest route to the lair. Beryl Street. That was North-South…

**Carved upon my stone****  
****My body lies, but still I roam**

Raph turned on the light switch in his bedroom. Nothing. Mikey was asleep in bed. He and Mikey shared a room and he now realized that Mikey must have been sitting in the dark for days, waiting for him to come home and change the light bulb.

The new light bulb was sitting on the desk near his bed. He let himself into Leo's room and sat on the edge of the bed. He wanted to say something to him, but couldn't think of anything.

Leo rolled over and said, "Had to get in before the sun came up, huh?"

"Just stopping by. Don't get used to me."

"What's the death toll?"

Hesitated. "Just one."

"That's one less than when you left." Raph headed out the door. He didn't want to debate the worth of criminals. Leo called to him, "What are you looking for?"

"Huh?"

Leo was sitting up in the dark. "You're looking for something out there. What is it that we don't have?"

He didn't answer and shut the door. He didn't know. Otherwise he would have told him a long time ago.


End file.
